The Counterfeit Purpose - Pt 1

God, 

I could be changing people right now

I don't wanna be here

I don't want to read the rest of this chapter

The pages are blurring together, I can't tell them apart anymore

I just want to skip to the next chapter, I wanna see what's next

I don't care if I may skip a few important lessons

A few things that I need to learn now so that later,

in the next chapter, I'll be prepared... But I don't care

Your plan is taking too long

I could be changing people right now

I could be singing and worshiping and loving...

I don't like the picture you're painting of my life

I see the way the picture of others is turning out and it's not fair

Why do they get the beauty? Why do I get the pain?

I could be changing people

But I'm just a canvas in the mighty hands of the divine painter

Why does it feel like you've dropped the paint brush?

I know I can't paint my own picture

But I can't wait any longer, something's gotta change

I never doubted you before

But now a single question about your plan for me

And I wonder if I was ever even a part of the plan

Was I just riding the "God Wave" for a bit, and now it's gone?

Was I just an intricate part of someone else's plan?

Did you forget me?

A distant memory of how I use to burn for you

Now it's dry, dead... Why am I still here?

I COULD BE CHANGING PEOPLE

This part of my life can't be that important

What am I not learning? What haven't I seen yet?

Do I need to pray the right prayer?

Do I need to not cuss, always tithe and never miss a Sunday?

Is there something I'm not doing to make you upset with me?

Has our relationship faded to nothing over time...?

Have you even noticed? 

We aren't the same...

Why can't I see your fight for me?

Is this a test? Is this a test?

I know your Word, I know your heart

I just can't feel you anymore

And I don't wanna be here anymore

I'll do anything to not be here anymore...

I am being called to let the sun set on this mindset

To be renewed in my mind

To have a change of heart

People here need my obedience to God

"People here" is why I'm still here.

The Counterfeit Shower

I am a counterfeit

I pretend to be something so flawless, so pure, so spotless because I'm "better than you", or so I tell myself. I try to pass my fraudulence as genuine. I am fake down to my core.

But I can't blame myself. I am surrounded by a civilization of people who would rather sellout to themselves for a glimmer of hope that someone might accept them for who they're not, and lose all honor and courage to be someone who is real. I knew nothing else growing up. I was destined this way.

But I've began to hear the call and lose the religiosity.

For years I was addicted to pornography.
It bound me.
It choked me.
But man she was such an incredible secret.

She always convinced me that I wasn't "in that deep"
That I barely looked at it
And that I could stop at the drop of a hat
She was always so comforting
And she didn't care what kind of a day I was having
She was always willing to help me escape
Make me feel needed

But it wasn't until later in the day that my dirty little secret caught up with me...

I can remember when I was in my prime when it came to song-writing. I was about 22 years old and I would have all these ideas for songs and play and write them in the mornings, but it wasn't until later, when I was in the shower, when all of the "brilliant" ideas really came to pass. Anyone a shower singer? Ha well I'm not at all, but I would say the exception is when I have song ideas, I'm singing and I can just HEAR the band playing along, all the pauses and lead guitar parts and everything in-between. It was so divine how God could use a time like that to inspire such creativity. Even most of my messages when I was a youth pastor would come from ideas spawned while I was washing. But I don't think it's a coincidence at all actually.

It was while I was in the shower when my secret love life would really begin to bear down on me until I gave her everything in my empty soul, and masturbation was inevitable.

Do you think it was just an accident that all her lies, all her comfort led to the destruction of the very place that God moved in me the most?
The very place that God wants to give the craziest, best ideas, cast the most vision in me, and have the most incredible prayer time came from the very place that Satan attacks me the hardest. It's no coincidence. It's no accident.
It's the battle field when you pray the hardest
But it's the very same battlefield where she convinces you she comes in peace and asks "why are you fighting? I'm not the enemy.
Just put your guard down for a second and I'll explain the whole thing. In fact, I've been watching out for you. I saved you, when you hated yourself, I gave you something that made you feel better. Can't you see it?"
If she can keep me just out of reach
Just at that place where I feel I can get out whenever I'd like, but also at the place where my guilt keeps me from connecting with God's heart

It's not about the sin, no matter which one it is, cause they're always gonna keep coming
It's about your heart
God wants your heart, no matter how guilty it may "feel".
It's about being raw. Being real.

What's your shower? Where's the one place that Satan keeps attacking because he knows that's the one place you grow and connect and love and feel and really believe...

Some might think I'm crazy for posting this
But there's not enough raw, real people in this world
We need to expose sin for who she is